The Negative Effect of Shame on Your Sex Life –


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Growing up in a culture that was mainly conservative at its roots, morality was esteemed very highly. Very little was done in regards to sex education. On the contrary, sex was a taboo, which was not to be discussed in “public.” It was a private matter.

It was the rare occasion that family members discussed issues pertaining to sex. My family was one of those who never did.

At no time during my awareness of who I was as a young man, did my parents or anyone any influential person in my life ever discussed sex with me. The feelings I had as I went through puberty and into early teenage years, were explained by some of my peers, books and wherever else I could learn.

What I learned came predominantly from the “street” which unfortunately wasn’t what my parents wanted me to learn.

Whenever the discussion of sex happened around me by the people of significance in my life such as my parents, it was in the context that it was something to avoid at all cost.

It was dirty. It was bad. You shouldn’t have sexual fantasies. If you did any of those things, you were a sinner going to hell.

Needless to say, I almost always felt guilty whenever I thought about sex, had wet-dreams, masturbated or engaged in sexual intercourse.

I prayed that I would not be found out.

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Add to this, the teachings we heard about same sex relationships. Everyone who remotely voiced their feelings of same sex attraction were immediately condemned and at times met with physical abuse.

As you can imagine, guilt and shame were our constant companions.

This was amplified for me when I experienced molestation at the hand of a so-called adult friend.

I felt shame, guilt, blame and the host of other emotions that accompany such actions. I prayed no one ever found out, which thankfully no one did until I mustered enough courage as an adult to tell my story.

For years I kept this horrible event to myself. Telling those in authority could backfire on me. That was my thought process.

So, I kept it to myself and told no one for over twenty years. I buried it deeply so I didn’t have to deal with it. I found other ways to stay busy.

Had I allowed the thoughts to linger, I would be shame-filled as my mind played tricks with me as to how it happened and how it could have been prevented.

After years of learning differently through my work as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, continued education and other exposures, I can say I am one of the few who has overcome most of my early childhood teachings and teenage experience to have a healthy view of sex.

These teachings would have undoubtedly impacted the way I thought about sex.

I personally know some of my country men and women, who grew up during these “dark” ages and are being sexually active, still struggle with their childhood sexual message and/or abuse. Some of these adults who are parents, hesitate to openly discuss sex with their children.

I believe these teachings have a direct correlation on the shame that some people experience during sexual intercourse and/or conversation. It’s seen as dirty, only for procreation; not to be enjoyed.

Why? Shame.

If you are experiencing shame as it pertains to sex, please get some help. You don’t have to continue to live your life this way. You too can have victory in this area. I’ll be glad to help.

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