Why Sex With Someone With a Disability Is the Best Sex You Could Be Having –


Yep. We can mess up that bed.

People with disabilites have sex. Andrew Morrison-Gurza is getting this out in the open.

 

As a queer person with a disability who is not shy about his sexuality, I find that some of the most common questions that I get are, “Can you have sex?” “Do you have sex?” and “How do you have sex?” These questions arise from many different places, but predominantly from the fact that our dominant sexual discourse has left disability out in the cold. I could launch into a discussion of all the internal emotions/frustrations that this has created for me personally, as I believe that those are valid and in need of unpacking. That being said, I’d like to focus on the positives of sex with people with disabilities and why it may be the best sex you’ve ever had, or haven’t had — yet.

1. It Forces You and Your Partner to Actually Talk

There is a misconception in our society that good sex is spontaneous, hot, and surprisingly silent. In my experience this is particularly prevalent in queer hookup culture. Each partner is simply supposed to read the other in that exact moment, and from this create this sexual fantasy. That all sounds amazing, but we all know that that is not true life or reality. This is especially true when engaging in sexual congress (OK, I just really like this term!) with a person with a disability. One of the reasons that sex with people with disabilities can be so much better is that in order to have it, you have to communicate, and I don’t just mean, “Harder! Faster! Ooh, baby!” (although if that helps, by all means, be my guest). I mean you will have to “storyboard your sex,” as I like to say. You can sit with your prospective partner and lay out exactly what will work for both of you. You can discuss what gets you off, what might hurt, and what might feel funny or amazing. You can openly talk about what you’re apprehensive about and what you might want to try. This way, you’re not unhappily surprised. You may even be surprised by how open you are. It kind of makes one rethink the old adage “Less talk, more action,” right?

2. ‘Blow… in My Ear…’

One thing that I love about how people with disabilities have sex is the fact that we have adapted our erogenous zones to respond to different stimuli. For instance, someone with paralysis might love it when you tweak their nipples or blow in their ears. That might be more pleasurable to them than a blowjob or fucking. People with disabilities are some of the most adaptable people, and you’d be amazed by what we can offer in the bedroom. Imagine for a second that your partner has a disability and can only use his mouth for everything. See what I’m saying? Hot, right? Persons with disabilities are experts at using what they have around them, and the same certainly holds true for our sex lives. I know how to hit your marks, probably ones you didn’t even know you had. Rawr!

3. Top/Bottom Roles Dissolved

It would seem that as a gay man, I must be defined by one of three words: “top,” “bottom,” or “versatile.” These roles help other gay men decide if they are sexually compatible. For me (and for many others too), these roles are completely arbitrary and inaccessible. If I can’t “top” you, then I have to be your “bottom,” but if we are both “tops,” one of us has to be “versatile” and into both? What? Consider that it may be physically impossible for me to top you, or vice versa, but I can still take charge. I can guide your body with my hands and tell you what gets me off in that moment, and you can do the same — no penetration required. One of the greatest pleasures for me is hearing a guy say, “I have never gotten off like that before, but it was incredible.” Want my number yet?

4. Foreplay

Given my level of disability, I’ll need help with a few things, particularly undressing, getting out of my chair and positioning, etc. So few people see this as sexually appealing, but if done correctly, this can be so hot. In that moment you can feel each others bodies and put on a little show. Also, I think humor in these instances can be really helpful. I find that when I make my partner laugh about the fact that he’s carrying me over the threshold, as it were, that puts him at ease. Sometimes there may even be a sling involved! So come on over and take off my pants. No, really! Ha!

5. Redefining Sexual Norms

My favorite thing about having sex as a person with a disability is knowing that each and every time I do it with someone, I am redefining their sexual norms and altering their ideology about what is sexually appealing. I am turning them on in ways that they didn’t even know were possible, through my words, my thoughts, and my body that defies everything they thought they knew. It forces partners (in whatever context) to be genuine and move away from all the scenarios that they think are sexy, and it create that sexiness within that moment, no matter how vulnerable, different or awkward it is.

30 Relationship Tips for Guys-From Two Girls Under 10 –


Thank heaven for little girls for without them, what would little boys do?

___

There’s no shortage of advice from women for men on how to conduct themselves in a relationship. But these gems from two young girls—ages 6 and 9—let us in on what really matters.

My favorites are 5—good “maners” (an unintentional pun); 13—don’t pick your nose; and 19—always happy.

Clearly, these two little ones have been brought up in a home that values the important things in life, and boys and men alike can learn a lot from their list.

1. nice hand writing

2. cutness

3. likes parents

4. not living with parents

5. good maners

6. good artist

7. dresses well

8. takes you to nice places

9. nice place

10. likes children/wants children

11. nice jewlery

12. listens

13. don’t pick your nose

14. no kissing on first date

15. marry some one who respects you

16. smart

17. good cook

18. has a good job

19.  always happy

20.  clean

21. respect diffrent religens

22. last name not weird

23. very fun

24. makes you laugh

25. eats healthy

26. takes care of body

27. doesn’t tatle tale

28. brushes teeth and floss

29. likes YOUR job

30. take care of pet

H/t: Huffington Post, Photo Courtesy: Gabrielle Daniels

Enhanced by Zemanta


[registe_form]

17 Reasons I’m Still in Love With You –


Just because a relationship is over doesn’t mean we stop loving that person. Mark Radcliffe explores the beauty and the pain of loss

—-

Believe me, I don’t want to be.

It would be a lot easier if I wasn’t.

You’ve got another life now. I’m long out of it.

But:

Your voice. Ugh. It slays me. I still have five of your messages in my Voicemail. Yes, five. Some guys like a nice glass of Scotch to relax. I just listen to one of your messages. It’s just as smooth and warm, and just as intoxicating.

Your eyes, like a sea of honesty. They seem to see miles into the distance. Through the bullshit in front of you. Through the bullshit in me. Through the miasma of the ordinary and into the beautiful possibility of what can be. The what can be that I was once a part of.

Your mouth. So infinitely kissable. I can’t shake it from my memory, so help me.

The way you bit your mouth when you were being coy. Oh. My. God.

Your beautiful mind. So full of insight and wisdom. Dropping truth bombs wherever they may land.

Your ass. Sorry, but it was fantastic. (Still is, I’m sure.)

The way you love your kids. Yes, you already had them, which scared me a bit, but I was prepared to find that in the girl of my dreams. And you were so natural, joyful and graceful with them. I knew how easy it would be to trust you as a mom.

Your honesty. Fearless. Unending. Willing to walk away if unwelcome.

You came out of nowhere. Where were you countless years before we met? How could you just show up one day after being invisible for so long? In a random email I almost ignored?

Your priorities. You are not distracted by day-to-day bullshit. Or rather, you are simply able to see through it. You have a periscope, through which I would love to gaze.

The way you’d give me shit. There was no sugarcoating with you. If I needed to be called out on something, you wouldn’t hesitate for a millisecond. But you could do it with a laugh.

Your vulnerability. You were so unabashed, so devoted and unafraid of so many things, but yet there’s a shyness in you. An opened and exposed beauty. A willingness to be seen for all you truly are.

The way you never wore makeup. And with a glowing smile like that, you never needed it.

The way you could wear a pair of jeans. So haphazard and sexy at the same time.

Your spontaneity. Instant. Alive. Awake. So in love with the possibilities of what could be. What we could have created together if the stars had been aligned.

The way you’d swear. Constant. Dependable. Honest.

How consumed I was with you. I couldn’t wait for another bit of contact. A call. An email. A text. A kiss. The time between was interminably long. Minutes became years. I never get addicted easily. I’m an island of independence. But I wanted to leave it for you.

Meet me in another universe, one far different from this one. I’ll gladly show you what 530 words failed to convey.

—-

 

 

Other articles by Mark Radcliffe:

16 Things Your Boyfriend Should be Telling You

Don’t Fall in Love

 

 

image credit: Flickr/Jaromír Chalabala

5 Ways to Avoid Becoming A So-Called ‘Nice Guy’ –


 Jordan Gray offers tips and strategies to help you avoid being a manipulator in your relationships.

Let’s end this whole “nice guys” myth once and for all…

The term “nice guy” has been thrown around in popular culture a lot lately. A quote unquote “nice guy” is actually a first class manipulator.

(I was going to link to an Urban Dictionary definition of a nice guy here, but I found out that they have over TEN pages of definitions submitted by active/recovering nice guys and it was all a bit too depressing)

Women don’t have an aversion away from truly nice guys… they have an aversion to passive, manipulative liars (just like – surprise, surprise – all humans do!).

People respond positively to others that have a strong sense of identity, solid morals, and strong personal boundaries (all things that “nice guys” are lacking in).

The fact that terms like “nice guy” and “friend zone” are still being thrown around at all these days speaks to an underlying culture of female biased sexism, but that’s a topic for another article.

Nice Guys, Jerks, And Strong-Minded Men

One of the nice guys’ favourite fall back arguments is that “Women say that they want a nice guy, but what they actually want is a jerk”.

Oh, my friend, if only it was that simple. Kidding! It’s even simpler than that.

Women (aka people) don’t like being lied to. Plus they’re generally a LOT more socially intelligent than guys are so even if you think you’re being extra sneaky your intentions have been noted before you’ve even fully formed your first thought.

Nice guys = passive, manipulative liars who attempt to trade niceness for intimate relationships/sex. Most men are hopelessly transparent with their intentions with women, but nice guys really take it to the next level.

Jerks = assertive/aggressive suitors that share more character traits with a strong-minded option than nice guys.

Strong-Minded Man = an assertive, strong-willed person who is unapologetically forthcoming with his desire, and is ready and willing to take no for an answer without resorting to manipulation or douche-baggery.

So reading through the three descriptions, doesn’t it become clear that the nice guy option is a dead last?

If you are a man reading this article, imagine all of those descriptions again but picturing a woman. #1, a girl that you are not attracted to in the slightest who keeps trying to convince you to like her by being extra-super-duper nice. #2, a girl that isn’t necessarily your ideal woman, and is a little rough around the edges, but you feel magnetically sexually attracted to her for some reason (even though you probably wouldn’t bring her home to meet your parents). #3, a woman with clear morals and boundaries, has a voracious sexual appetite and has no problem initiating sex with you but will turn it down when she isn’t feeling it, and doesn’t push you to do things that you’re not comfortable with.

Unless you’ve got some intimacy issues, narcissism, or low self-esteem a-brewin’ within the chaos of your mind, you would most likely be attracted to #3, followed by #2, and then by #1 in a distant last place. And guess what? That’s what women respond to, too. Hooray, we’re all humans and there’s no distinguishable differences in our attraction process when it comes to not enjoying being lied to!

Bottom line, you are either attractive to someone or you are not. If you find yourself having a really tough time getting into a relationship, then it’s probably something you should get looked at. Whether it’s an unconscious pattern of driving people away, fearing vulnerability, or just not having your life sorted out, there are many steps you can take to become more attractive as a partner to your gender of choice.

On to the good stuff…

If your inner child (nice guy) still rears its ugly head on occasion (everyone’s does in certain situations) here are five things you can do to make sure that you’re not being a manipulator in your intimate relationships.

♦◊♦

1. Sexual Manipulation

According to society, if a woman wants to have sex with someone she can be labelled as a slut.  If she doesn’t want to have sex with someone she can be labelled as a prude or a bitch (often by “nice guys”). In either situation, cultural conditioning is attempting to control a woman’s sexuality.

Blaming her for not wanting to sleep with you (at any stage of the relationship) is manipulative.  If she doesn’t like you and you aren’t a couple, have some self-respect and move on.

2. Holding Back From Expressing Your Desires

Doing nice things for her and then getting frustrated when you don’t get what you felt entitled to (affection, intimacy, sex, etc.) is calculated and deceiving. Don’t.

If you want something, have the courage to ask for it. Otherwise, you might not be mature enough to deserve it yet.

3. Being Unable To Hear No

One side of mature boundary-setting is being able to express your desires and have opinions about things. The other side is being able to hear no from others. Being whiny when she says no to you (for affection, intimacy, sex, etc.) is a child-like behavior.

If you hear no, it means no. Just like jealousy has the opposite effect in a relationship than the partner intends it to have, the same process occurs with trying to convince someone away from their preferences.

4. Pre-Loading

Have you ever done things for her to use as ammunition later on?

In other words, you knew you wanted sex on a certain night and so you did a ton of nice things for her all week to (in your mind) guarantee sex on the night that you wanted it to happen.

While there’s nothing wrong with doing romantic things for your partner, if your intention is a manipulative one, they will pick up on it. I don’t say this hyperbolically… your intentions will clearly show themselves in your actions. The expectant energy in your eye contact… the overly eager angle of your stance as you stand next to her… I could go on. Trust me, she’ll feel it. So don’t do it.

5. Being Avoidant Of Confrontation

Manipulative people avoid telling others when they disagree with them. They do this to keep things as kosher as possible on a surface level. They go to great lengths to avoid rocking the boat.

If there’s nothing that they’ve ever seemingly done wrong, they can never be ‘called’ on anything. They always need to be in the right.

If you disagree with your partner, let them know. Women are not attracted to a man who lets his own values or personal needs slide in order to take care of her.  Occasionally, sure.  But as a way of being?  Yuck.  How can she trust you if you don’t even respect yourself and your own needs?

♦◊♦

The Process Of Becoming Comfortable With Mature Masculinity

Nice guys, generally, are not the best judges of other people’s needs (because they don’t fully understand or acknowledge their own).

Do you see any of the above five trends showing up in your relationships?  Do they all make absolute sense to you?  Let’s talk about them in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:

7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship

10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship

The One Thing To Remember When You’re Dealing With Any Person, Ever

Originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com

 

Photo: Flickr/Samuel David Rhinehart

I’m in Love With This Manly Man –


Lynn Beisner’s husband fearlessly carries her purse, helps her daughter shop for prom dresses and enjoys being the passenger in his wife’s car. 

So yesterday we were in the pharmacy and my hands were full and my husband is carrying my bag. We got a bit separated, so it looked like Pete was just a guy with a purse. A red-neck made a snide comment, so Pete held it with model pose and began skipping…literally skipping. It was the least “manly” thing I have ever seen, and yet showed such security in who he is. Then as the guy made disgusted noises, Pete just stood there and laughed so hard he could barely stay upright. I am so in love with this man.

♦◊♦

Here are five other things that don’t fit the traditional model of masculinity, but that I love about my husband:

1) He shops for special occasion clothing for both my daughter and for me. We HATE to shop. I kid you not when I say that I would rather do calculus homework than shop with my daughter for a prom dress. The one time we picked out a dress together, we just picked the first thing in the first store that looked vaguely serviceable, and bought it without trying it on. Pete puts up with our whining, instinctively knows will look good on us, and wheedles us into trying on a handful of options.

The stereotype of a man sitting patiently by a dressing room is reversed in our family. I usually just go and sit by the changing room and answer email while he brings me things to try on. He is honest about how a dress or suit looks on my pear-shaped body. But somehow he makes unflattering looks the designer’s fault,  and flattering looks about me.

2) He lets me drive. Most guys I know need to be behind the wheel. But whenever possible, he lets me drive. This isn’t because he is a bad driver. It is because I am a lousy passenger. I was in a very serious accident years ago, and  have a few P.T.S.D. responses. They are subtle things, like screaming “We are all going to die!” But rather than trying to get me to change, he just takes the passenger seat. Believe me, when we lived in the rural South, this spoke volumes about our relationship and earned him a reputation for being “whipped”. I cared more than he did.

3.) He has the least manly laugh, but is utterly un-self-conscious about it. When something really tickles his funny bone, his entire face screws up and he loses himself in belly-jiggling giggles. No, they are not manly guffaws. They are remarkably high-pitched for a guy. But they are filled with so much joy and true good humor that I find them utterly endearing. They make me want to work incredibly hard at amusing him just so that I can hear and watch him laugh. I swear it is almost as satisfying as watching his O-face.

4.) He can be very patient and infinitely tender. I have no idea how he does it, but he can make cuddly, purring fluff-balls from scraggly ferrel kittens that are too old to be domesticated. His gentle touch and patient spirit is why my kids went to him with a splinter or a huge knot in their hair. He is the only person that I will let change my dressings after a surgery. He goes slowly, softly and yet persistently, communicating his intent before touching.

5.) He finds ways to make me feel nurtured during times when I need it. Two examples: One year when I was incredibly busy, I would go all day without eating. So, he started packing me a yummy and nutritious bag of bite-sized food so that I could grab a few bites when I had the chance. Second example: when I was working on an urban campus, I became overstimulated very easily. He  bought me noise-canceling earbuds and loaded an iPod with my favorite happy songs. It was like walking through the noisiest, most visually stimulating environment protected by a bubble of his love.

 

 

Get to know Lynn’s husband, Pete Beisner, better: read his fantastic post 23 Tips For Supporting a Partner With Chronic Pain