5 Ways to Move On After Heartbreak – The Problem With Dating

If you’re reading this, I’ll safely assume you’ve been in love with someone who’s not in your life anymore. Almost all of us on some level have had to deal with heartbreak. But when you actually love the person, it hurts even more.

Here are 5 ways to move on after heartbreak:

1. Focus Your New Free Time On You: Use this time to catch up on some of the things you had been neglecting. When you’re in love, you usually end up spending all of your free time with the other person. That’s all wonderful and great, but you have to think, is it coming at a price? Have you been neglecting your needs? Your sleep? Friends? Health? Family? Work?

These are usually the first things that go out the window when we fall in love. We want to be around the person all the time. Getting back to “your” routine at this moment in a breakup is vital. Stella’s not the only one who can get her groove back. Catch up on the projects you’ve been putting off. Paint that dresser or get a solid nights sleep. You’ll see once the focus goes back on you, you’ll start feeling better and might even be more productive.

2. Go Enjoy Your City: Another high likelihood in a gushy, lovey-dovey relationship was that you probably spent most of your time doing the whole Netflix and chill thing. It’s always nice to hang with the person you love, but there’s a whole world out there. This is your chance to call up your friends and go try that new restaurant, yoga studio, lounge or dance club. Go to that new farmers market or street festival. See a comedy show or concert. Explore your town’s quirks and hidden gems. Cruise around blasting your favorite tunes. Have some fun enjoying where you live, whether it’s getting lost in the big city or experiencing a small town’s charm.

3. Hit the Gym: What really helped me get over heartbreak was going to the gym. A boxing class is always a great (and safe) way to get out that aggression. We’ve all heard of a “runner’s high”, and it’s true! The endorphins that get released while working out only adds to your overall mood and health. Not only is working up a sweat or getting a good stretch great for your general well-being, but it actually becomes something you start to look forward to. Eating clean and taking care of yourself is the quickest way to feel better and raise your vibration. And the most obvious side effect of going to the gym is that you’ll whip your body into shape and maybe even meet your next significant other lifting or rowing right next to you.

4. Stop Trying to Place Blame: Analyze why the relationship came to an end and come to grips with that. If you didn’t cheat or do anything morally wrong, then you have to look at why it didn’t work and why you need to move forward. Love can put you in a spell. It can be the excuse we give for years of mistreatment.

It wasn’t until I realized that my ex was actually a bad fit for me that I began to get better on the inside. Once I realized that my heart was being taken advantage of, it actually made me feel at peace with our breakup. I was doing the best I could to be good to her.

I’ve seen people blame themselves for years after a relationship was over. When in reality, they were actually a great spouse and loved the other person deeply. They never move passed it because they kept blaming themselves. Of course, I did that too at first. I blamed myself for not being a million different things that I thought she wanted from me. But it was all bogus. After analyzing everything that went down in my breakup, I just had to accept that sometimes people need to work on themselves first before they can truly connect with another person. So just take this time to reconnect with yourself and your own needs.

You deserve someone who’s willing to jump over fences for you, not be on the fence about being with you. You know how you deserve to be treated and you have to stick to that standard. We let love give people permission to walk all over us or take advantage of us sometimes, but once we realize an old situation wasn’t serving us anymore, we can start to move in a more positive direction right away!

5. Get Back Out There: You don’t need to jump on Bumble or Tinder an hour after a tough breakup, but once you feel ready, don’t be afraid to get back out there. I personally think it helps your confidence to put yourself back on the market. Too many people have a bad habit of retreating after heartbreak, which is understandable, because you want to hide and curl up in a ball and not start over or get hurt again. I get it. But we all know intuitively that once we meet someone new that we connect with, those old tough feelings start to fade. Especially if it’s someone we really start to care for.

The old person comes into our thoughts less and less. I’m not saying go out and screw around just for sport, but start to talk and connect with people again. You don’t have to stop loving the other person, but you can now be in-love with someone new, IF you let yourself be open to it. So find that confidence again. Take a shiny new selfie and own that newly #TeamSingle life. You’ll realize it’s only as bad as you make it.


The Irrational Logic Behind Closure –

It doesn’t matter how many questions you’ve had answered in your quest for closure. There will always be more. Your quest for closure will never end because questions begets more questions.

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On your computer, if you draw a rectangle and then put a line halfway through it to create two rectangles, and then another line halfway through the new rectangle you’ve drawn, and then another line halfway through this new rectangle, and keep going and going, you’ll never reach the other side of the rectangle.

It might look as though you have reached the other side and you may feel you’ve reached the other side but it’s an illusion. Zoom in and you’ll see you haven’t succeeded getting to the other side. It doesn’t matter how many lines you draw, it will always be out of reach to some extent.

This image of a rectangle is what comes to my mind when people talk about closure in the context of a romantic relationship.

Closure is about getting a firm answer and getting rid of any ambiguity. Yeah, no.

People often say they need closure about their ex and once they’ve gotten closure, they can move on with their life. Not so fast, Pythagoras. It doesn’t matter how many questions you’ve had answered in your quest for closure. There will always be more. Your quest for closure will never end because questions beget more questions.

Ambiguity is ever present and the more questions we ask and the more answers we get, the more questions bubble up to the serve and we need to ask.

Closure as a Myth

Closure sounds like a great idea in theory but it’s a myth. In practice, trying to achieve closure is just like the image of the rectangle with the line dividing it in half for eternity. You will never reach the sweet spot you wish for because there will always be a gap (e.g. question) that gnaws at you.

In theory, you may have a list of 10 questions you would like your ex to answer but, let’s be frank, the answers are going to create more questions that need answers, and those answers will create more questions that need answers.

What to do?

You. Tough. It. Out.
You let all those unanswered questions remain unanswered.
You fight the urge to get to the bottom of things.
You don’t let your ex’s ambiguity, ghosting or bullshit deter you from healing and moving on.
You set yourself free.

Break ups are painful at the best of times but you will make yourself suffer a whole lot more if you tell yourself that you need closure by finding out XYZ or you need closure by admitting to your ex XYZ or you need closure by seeing their reaction when you finally tell them XYZ.

Throw xyz to the wayside and take back the control.

By claiming you need closure what you are doing is putting the control in their hands. And that’s not where it belongs. It belongs with you.

Often breaking up is compared to kicking a drug habit. It’s an excellent comparison because it’s true. Each time you communicate or come into contact with your ex you only exacerbate the pain and prolong the suffering. Kind of like a drug addict who needs a little shot to take the edge off before they kick their habit for good. Well, that shot just put you a few steps behind on your quest to get better.

Let go of the illusion of closure and banish the irrational logic that is closure.
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The 5 Types of Women Who Usually Get Ghosted (& Why) – The Problem With Dating

Let’s get one thing out of the way first—ghosting is not the wave. We collectively need to step up and do better when it comes to ending our relationships with people, but the fact of the matter is ghosting is still very much prevalent in dating today, and while we can’t wipe it out completely with the flip of a switch, we can try to highlight some behaviors that trigger people bouncing on you without a trace.

Of course, these are generalized and one-sided (after all, I’m a guy who’s only dealt with women in the romantic space), but ladies, if you’ve been ghosted, maybe you can identify with one of these personas and get some insight into why you find yourself in these undesirable situations.

1. The Social Media Queens

The Social Media star is a woman that compares her relationship to other couples on social media. Her idea of a man really being interested and caring for her is posting pictures of them together. She states that she is looking for love, but is more concerned about attention from others. She wants a significant other mainly for the purpose of taking pictures that she can flaunt to the masses. A date will always turn into a photo-shoot. She consistently argues about not going out enough, feeling that she is being hidden or tries to delegate what her significant other should post on his page. Ninety percent of her posts are about how she deserves a great man and how she would be the best girlfriend. Love is not seen as a celebration of union as much as it is a competition for her. She is the friend that secretly gets jealous when one of her girls gets engaged and she’s still without a ring.

So why does she get ghosted? Men tend to shy away from the social media queen over time due to realizing her dating process is built on competition. The image of a great relationship is more important than the health of a relationship. Most men realize her standards aren’t her own, but predicated on the actions of other couples. A man might as well choose to be single if he has to consistently impress others to date Kylie Jenner.

2. The Pseudo-Detectives

The detective is the woman that researches every action you take. The detective is extremely curious and in some cases very insecure. She will study your social media handles with the same intensity as having to get an “A” on a final to graduate. You will constantly get questioned about why you liked that woman’s picture, why that meme made you laugh, or why certain people are on your Snapchat. You’ll also be bombarded with questions about why you didn’t call or text at a specific time of the day. And even when you do hit her up, a text message could simply read “OK” or “Yes,” and she will believe that there are deep-rooted underlying issues. She will also ask you the same question repeatedly in an effort to “catch you” in a lie.

So why does she get ghosted? Dating a detective makes you feel like you’re the prime suspect on an episode of CSI. It is extremely draining dating someone who makes you feel like you’re guilty until proven innocent even when you’ve done nothing wrong. After a while the consistent questioning and researching causes many men to just flee the scene.

3. The Intimidators

The intimidator is the woman who always states that she’s single because men are intimidated by her beauty, success, or being strong willed. To the intimidator’s credit, in some cases she is correct. Some men are intimidated by those things and fear dating a woman who is more successful than he is. However, a lot of men are attracted to strong women. The problem occurs when the Intimidator forgets that men want to feel needed and appreciated.  She doesn’t understand or won’t accept that most men have a hero complex. The intimidator will reply to logic by saying, “A man that wants to feel needed is insecure. A man who wants his ego brushed is weak.” The intimidator doesn’t understand nor want to learn how to balance damaging a man’s psyche vs. tough love.

She is extremely strong-willed and confident in her accomplishments. The intimidator has been independent for so long that she is afraid to be vulnerable and open. Some intimidators only date men less successful than her because she believes successful are more likely to cheat or use their position of power against her.

So why does she get ghosted? The intimidator constantly reminds you she doesn’t need you or anyone else to be happy, which in turn makes you feel worthless or unappreciated, so you bounce. Additionally, the intimidators are the most likely to be cheated on or ghosted due to their men being easily susceptible to compliments and appreciation made by other women.

4. Little Miss Perfect 

Little Miss Perfect is the most common out of the usual suspects. She believes she is God’s gift to the world. Any man she dates should be honored to have her. Whomever she chooses to date should put in maximum effort without her having to reciprocate. She believes she is the catch, so it’s a privilege to be courting her. Her favorite sayings, whether she says it aloud or not, are “Any man I date is lucky to have me” or “Guys just don’t put in enough effort for someone like me.” For this reason, Little Miss Perfect is never at fault for a breakup. Whenever there is an argument, guess who is to blame? She could break up with five guys for the same reason and still not take acceptance for her actions. Being that she has no acceptance for her mistakes, she feels no reason to change, and therefore, will continue to make the same mistakes with each potential partner.

So why does she get ghosted? Men will realize she isn’t worth the headache. If she doesn’t get her way it will always become an issue. Once the spell of her looks, sex, or career success wears off, one truly has an understanding of what he signed up for. She has a great resume for a girlfriend but doesn’t have the intangibles. She consistently plays the victim, unwilling to compromise (which is disguised as settling) and feels her partner needs to change, yet she is exempt from doing the same. She yearns for old school love from her partner, yet she feels women from that era did too much for a man.

5. The Mrs. Clauses of the World

Mrs. Claus has her list to see if you have been naughty or nice. She has her idea of the criteria for the perfect man. A first date with Mrs. Claus is similar to going on a job interview. She will ask you questions from her personal checklist and the resume she made by checking your social media. If a man only applies to 9 out of the 10 on that checklist, she is moving on to the next. Items from her checklist to move forward after the first date include, but are not limited to: Occupation, Height, Weight, Beard or No Beard, Physique, Political Views, Salary, Social Views, Car, Rent or Own, Education, Style of Dress, Cell Phone Carrier, Kids…

Her approach to dating is almost robotic, with a man’s character, principles and their connection are considered an afterthought. Mrs. Claus is far from perfect, but expects perfection from whomever she dates. Some of her go-to quotes when it comes to dating are: “The perfect man is out there,” or “Nobody has their shit together.”

So why does she get ghosted? Mrs. Claus gets ghosted because men realize they will never live up to her dating expectations. There is nothing wrong with Mrs. Claus having high standards. However, if she doesn’t match the standards she places on potential partners it comes off as her being a hypocrite. Mrs. Claus is also very boring. Mrs. Clause feels all men should date, act and believe the same principles. She becomes predictable and a lot of prefer some type of adventure.

What do you think? Fellas, let me know if this is true or not. And ladies, holler if you find yourself in one of these categories.

Breakup Boot Camp for Men –

I had the worst. The big bad breakup. You know, the kind where your self-esteem gets shredded and you get the feeling she objects to the fact that you are on this planet. And like other wretched men, I searched online  for anything, anything that would help me get out of the pain.

I finally had to admit that the advice I found-even from professionals-was inadequate and I was in this alone. Then I found it. Deep inside. The way to end the pain. It worked, and it worked big time.

Some sources say it will take 18 months to get over your breakup. Not me. I don’t have that kind of time to waste. So I dug deep, and figured it out. I would not wish such pain on anyone, so I am sharing what I did. I wrote this for men, because I am a man. I plan to write the female version as soon as I get enough input from women who have successfully stopped the pain.

For now, here you go guys:
If you have had a bad breakup, your body, mind and heart are currently on fire with rage, regret, longing and anger. No doubt you have read some articles on how to get over it. None of which work.

What Doesn’t Work

They tell you to “love yourself.” This is not possible. Love is directed at someone else. It is stupid advice to tell someone to love himself. You are fine with who you are, you are just not fine with being without her. You don’t need to give yourself a massage or treat yourself to dinner. Those things have nothing to do with the fact that your gut is churning and you feel like you are going to die without her.

Getting drunk will only make things worse. Calling, texting or emailing her will be disastrous (she hasn’t changed her mind). Binge-watching movies or shows makes the loneliness unbearable when the final credits roll. Friends are sick of hearing you talk about it, meaning your so-called “support system” is a hoax.

What Really Works

So, unless you want to end up like those sad people you see who never stood straight again, you had better take some serious action. Do you want to end up being a down-and-out person with hunched shoulders and a head full of dreams about what might have been? Do you want to live the rest of your life weepy and sad and depressed? Look, sit up and pay attention. We have to get started. Now.

Step One: Go after the big prize.

Find that lost dream, that thing you were going to do when you grew up, your purpose, passion and calling. If you have been killing time getting high, watching sports at the bar, and making every night pizza night, it is time to remember who you really are.

Were you going to play music? Did you dream of climbing mountains? Did you always want to own your own business? Come on, there’s something way down deep you want to do, and you’ve been letting it slide because you were so wrapped up in her. In fact, one of the reasons you can’t believe she is gone is you sacrificed everything for her, even your dreams.

Right now, you may think getting out of bed and forcing yourself to go to work is a big enough goal, given the pain you are in. But you are NOT going to beat this breakup by thinking small. I mean it, dust that huge dream off and stick a to-do list on your refrigerator. Spend a morning before work writing down the steps you need to take to get that dream started. Choose a version of your dream that is appropriate for your age now. If you wanted to be a rock star, at least make plans to form a band. If you wanted to paint, list the supplies you need to buy. Maybe you wanted to travel the world. Start researching professions that will let you do that. It’s not too late for anything. At the end of this paragraph, sit down and write that big-dream to-do list. Then come back. We’ve got more to do.

Step Two: Raise your coolness factor.

You have got to be cool again. Like you were when you met her. Yeah, I know, you feel far from cool right now. You feel like a pile of worthlessness. That’s what she did to you. And calling her won’t undo it; you’ll just be giving her the chance to tear you down even further.

Take charge of your coolness. Buy that jacket, get that haircut; go for that new job. It is easy to find what would make you feel sharp again. It’s the opposite of whatever you feel like doing. Feel like lying in bed all day? Perfect. That means you need to get up early and start your exercise program. Feel like dying. Great. That means you want that old you to die off so the real you can stand tall. Shave, shower, hit the streets and shake things up.

You can be that great friend, that person who helps others, that successful businessman; that take-charge guy. Whatever you think would make you look cool, do it. Aim for major coolness. She is really going to be sorry she let you go.

Step 3: Get madder than hell.

Look, you’ve got standards. You don’t let people talk to you the way she talked to you. You don’t let anyone lecture you, berate you, put you down or tell you that you don’t know how to love. Who does she think she is?

Every time you whimper about how you want her back, you are saying you deserve all the crap she dished out. You are begging for more. Quit being a victim.

You know how you are just dying to get hold of her? If you simply can’t resist, use your contact time to tell her what you think of her behavior. You took way too much stupidity from her just because you wanted to keep her. Stop being an idiot and asking for more. If you feel you can’t resist contacting her, give her an earful. You don’t take that crap from anyone.

To be honest, you’ll have more self-respect if you don’t contact her at all. If you can realize you are above the tongue-lashings she dealt out, and you don’t feel the need to tell her, you’ll be even more of a man.

Either way, get it in your head that you are somebody who commands respect. Get pissed at people who don’t show you that respect. Get pissed at her. She is the queen of disrespect.

Step 4: Become an athlete.

You’ve got time on your hands now that she is gone. Use it to build your body. Take up weightlifting, start running, join a softball team. Whatever it is, stop watching it on TV and start doing it yourself. No more being a spectator. Sweat, exhaust yourself, make your muscles sore.

It is really, really hard to be depressed when you are working out. In fact, it is impossible. It is really easy to be depressed when you lie on the couch and watch TV. Get up and get moving. We’ve got to get that body in shape for your next girl.

She is going to be one lucky woman to find a guy who takes care of himself, has a coolness factor of 10, gets respect from everyone around him, and has a purpose in life.

Originally published on Finance, Fitness, Finding Love

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