How Do I Get My Ex To Leave Me Alone?


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Trouble in life or love?

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Check back here every Sunday for the latest edition of “Advice For The Modern Man,” share your insights in the comments section and tweet Brent Stoller your thoughts @BrentJStoller!

(Questions have been modified for space and clarity.)

Past flame reaches out. AGAIN. How do I get her to stop?

–Sykogin19; Denham Springs, LA

I don’t ask for much. The Google form through which you submit questions has just three fields, two of which are for your name and hometown.

In the third, I only request you include your question and any relevant context, so I can provide as thorough and applicable an answer as possible.

Sykogin19 did not provide context. But that doesn’t mean he leaves empty-handed.

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The post-breakup world is a wasteland of emotions. While I believe communication between the two parties should cease as soon as possible, I concede a certain amount is necessary, so each person can process his or her feelings and gain closure.

But there’s an etiquette to these exchanges — what you can say, how often you can say it and how long you can say it for — and whether you got dumped or did the dumping dictates how you are to conduct yourself.

We don’t know on which side of the equation Sykogin19 falls, so let’s examine both…

IF YOU DID THE DUMPING:

When people get rejected, they don’t know what to do with themselves. And it takes a while before they figure it out.

Even when they sense a breakup is imminent, it still catches them off-guard, leaving them to navigate a minefield of rejection, resentment and “Where do I go from here?”

Which is why if you broke up with your ex, and your ex keeps contacting you, I’d recommend cutting her some slack. At least for a little bit.

Getting over a relationship is similar to getting over a death. Both are a loss, and both require the person to endure the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

As a survivor of some brutal breakups, I always had the most trouble with bargaining. It was the stage that took the longest to get through, because it presented my last bastion of hope.

I was convinced that if I could just keep the lines of communication open, and profess my love just a little more eloquently, it’d only be a matter of time until my ex saw the light and took me back.

That never happened for me, and it seldom happens in real life. But thanks to Hollywood’s rom-com propaganda, we’re reluctant to relinquish our final shot at a fairytale ending.

Which has led to too many people doing too many things to try to win back the person who dumped them. Cards on anniversaries. Texts about inside jokes. Emails regaling the good times together.

Yes, this gets annoying, and yes, it likely illustrates why you broke up with this girl in the first place.

But unless your ex is crossing the line, showing up at your house or sabotaging your current relationship, why not give her time to say what she wants/needs to say?

You don’t have to read or respond to it; just don’t call her out for it. She’ll exhaust herself eventually, and your biggest inconvenience will be hitting the Delete button.

Consider your compassion a parting gift for breaking her heart.

IF YOU GOT DUMPED:

The pain people feel when dumping someone should not be undersold. After all, only a sociopath feels no fallout from hurting somebody else.

Still, because the breakup was their idea, they must adhere to a different set of rules when it comes to post-relationship communication. Their bar is higher, and unfortunately few are able to clear it.

This failure is on display every season on ABC’s The Bachelor. Each week, the bachelor dismisses unworthy admirers. The later in the game it gets, the harder it gets for him to say goodbye.

The contestants who get rejected are always in disbelief. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they get angry. Sometimes they fake it, so they can secure a slot on Bachelor In Paradise.

Considering these people just got humiliated, in front of a national TV audience and Chris Harrison, they have the right to react however they want.

The bachelor, on the other hand, does not. Yet he almost always commits the same breakup crimes, saying things like, “I didn’t want to hurt you,” and “You’re an amazing person who deserves an amazing love story.”

While it comes off as compassion — and to an extent it is — it’s also coming from a selfish place. He’s trying to make himself feel better for making someone else feel bad.

If your old flame is reaching out to you to do this, you have every right to stop her.

When a girl breaks up with you, she forsakes her right to talk to you. It’s not her job to see if you’re OK or convince you you’re worthy of happiness. Communication is no longer a two-way street.

She created this situation, and she has to deal with it on her own — without using you as a chew toy.

You owe her nothing. Block her, ignore her, (respectfully) tell her to lose your number, whatever. Do what you need to do to move on.

What do you think? What advice would you give this reader? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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Need more advice? Check out the most recent installments:

How Do I Save My Marriage?

Beauty And The Eye Of The Beholder

How To Get Over A Broken Heart

How To Achieve Work-Life Balance

My Girlfriend Cheated On Me

An Advice Column For The Modern Man

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5 Factors That Make a Man Attractive –



In our world, pop media icons and supermodels look at you from billboards on every corner, and physical beauty is seen as an ideal to strive for. However, one other important thing that our society of science and progress has taught us is that sex appeal isn’t all about physical appearance.

So what is it that makes a man attractive if not his look?

It turns out that ‘attraction’ is a highly complicated biochemical process, and there are dozens of factors that influence it. Some of these things are completely beyond our control, for example, the symmetry of your features or length of your ring fingers (did you know that men with fingers of similar length are believed to be more faithful?)

However, there are some things that you can actually influence, and that can bump up your attractiveness level in the eyes of women.

1. Having a purpose and achieving your goals

Studies indicate that goal-oriented people are seen as more attractive by default. We can’t keep from being drawn to individuals who have a sort of inner power and drive that pushes them forward.

When a woman looks at a man, she assesses him as a prospective life-partner. A devoted person with strong priorities and objective goals will win every time when compared with guys who lack a direction in life.

2. Dressing the part

Note that it’s not so much the price of your clothes that matters as their style and quality. An attractive man has to dress in fitting garments that will complement his figure. Your outfit must be stylish and fit both the occasion and your social status.

Don’t forget accessories as combining luxury timepieces with plain but high-quality clothes can help you create the veneer of style you need to make a great first impression. It’s what will get you the initial contact you need to show off your other attributes and charm the girl.

3. Having the right amount of facial hair

While there is no arguing the fact that facial hair is a matter of personal preference, social surveys clearly indicate that the majority of women see stubble as a rather sexy detail. It’s a symbol associated with masculinity from the dawn of time, and it can give you the hint of brutish appearance that is so popular today.

However, the trick is not to overdo it as a full beard is often associated with aggressiveness, and fewer women find it attractive. The so-called ‘five o’clock shadow’, on the other hand, is usually considered very sexy.

4. Being chivalrous and gentle

It’s true that a man has to be strong and capable of protecting and providing for his family. However, strength doesn’t equal rudeness. Women today appreciate chivalry and class even more than they did during the Victorian times. Perhaps it’s because so few real gentlemen are left.

Simple gestures, like opening doors and helping her to put on the coat will boost your attractiveness level and help build up your reputation as a ‘good man’. Combine this with being gentle and caring with your chosen girl, especially during and after sex, and you’ll definitely be a keeper.

5. Being open and able to express your feelings

The ‘strong, dark, and silent’ type works for heroines of teenage love stories who believe their ‘prince’ has to be otherworldly. Real women know that fantasies are nice, but building relationships with this kind of guy is just too complicated.

To amp your attractiveness, you need to show that you are able of understanding the girl’s needs and wants and communicating your own. Forget about the outdated ‘men don’t do feelings’ shtick and be real. Show your girl that you care about her and don’t keep quiet about the things you want for yourself. Sometimes you just have to talk it out and your relationship will soar to new heights after this.

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50 Shades of Widow – Sex & Dating Post-Loss


It was 1991 when Salt-n-Pepa’s hit song, “Let’s Talk About Sex” blasted from radios across the country. Sex. It’s often a taboo subject in the widowed community. People think we shouldn’t be dating, let alone having sex. Heck, at times, even we feel guilty for getting our freak on.

Whether a widow is waiting to remarry or opts to engage in a “friends with benefits” situation, sex is often thought about, though seldom discussed.

I recently reached out to the widowed community and asked them to openly and honestly discuss this three letter word that’s been known to get widows in heated exchanges (no pun intended). Below, they share some of the unusual and eye-opening aspects of sex and intimacy post-loss:

Unleash the Libido

  •  I feel like my sex drive has become over the top. My partner and I have sex at least once a day to two times a day
  • My sex drive went up. With my husband, 2-3 times a week I was happy. Now, I want it like 7 times a week!
  • Before my husband died, my drive was almost gone. Now it’s over the top! I get cranky if I don’t get anything at least twice a week. I would like it more but with kids, that’s almost impossible.
  • I now have a crazy high libido that made me consider (but never follow through with thankfully) friends with benefits or even just a fling with a stranger. I dubbed myself a “celibate nympho.”
  • The days following my husband’s death I felt absolutely nothing…except for horny. I was walking around in a cloud of numbness and profound pain and ALL I wanted to do was to get screwed by a massive and muscular man. This sensation was odd and confusing to me, but it slowly passed. Three months out I still get hit with waves of high libido and an urge for physical connection, but I let them flow through me. I know I could find someone to help me meet my physical needs, but I am choosing, for now, to sit with it and let myself process these feelings.

 Watch Out! Older Women on the Prowl

  • My sex drive is in overdrive and I’ve experimented with different races. I’ve definitely become a cougar. I’ve only been with much younger men since my husband passed.
  • I’ve turned into a cougar. I tried not to, but I just can’t help it!
  • My inner cougar is on overdrive though I’ve calmed down considerably recently.
  • I’ve found that guys who are 10 years younger are showing interest and that is definitely a bump in the ego.

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The Wait will be Great

  • I’m saving myself for that special someone. Offers are there, just not interested.
  • I know I will be ready for a relationship in the coming months, but for now, I’m okay learning from these desires and urges as I process this profound and unexpected loss.
  • I fell in love with a man who had been an acquaintance for years. I am incredibly drawn to him and it was like losing my virginity all over again. He was patient with me and the end result is a very active and much more satisfying sex life.
  • My drive skyrocketed almost immediately after my husband died, which is unfortunate since my morals require I wait until marriage. It’s been 16 months and it hasn’t let up. I’m dating again and let’s just say I’m half tempted to find one of those drive-thru wedding places so we don’t even have to get out of the car on the way to a hotel.

 Who Says You Can’t Learn New Tricks

  • Rough sex and BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, and masochism) are definitely in the repertoire now in a way they weren’t before. My late hubby was not into hurting me physically. My Boyfriend and I have a mutual enjoyment out of playing the pleasure/pain games.
  • I feel more confident than ever before, which makes sex more exciting. It’s very freeing. Losing my spouse made me approach everything in life with sort of a “f–k it” attitude (no pun intended).
  • I’ve started trying new things (kinks, fetishes, whatever). I never realized before that I like pain…not like cervix punching pain though.
  • Being a woman of “mature” age I was surprised at my curiosity in trying new things (some pleasant and some not so pleasant). I was 46 when my spouse was killed and I’m 54 now.
  • I definitely enjoy rougher sex now. I can do it without too much emotional attachment but I could do that before my late husband too. It’s just back. I have great orgasms but this may be due to reaching sexual peak more than anything else.
  • I’ve become a connoisseur of vibrators.
  • There is more intensity for sure. The passion in sex has really heightened with my current partner and I am much more sensitive to touch than I used to be; not sure why.
  • I learned that I actually enjoyed sex! I became the aggressor and am now unafraid to say what I want. Death taught me life is too short to wait around for things to happen. If you want it YOU have to go for it!

Regrets, I Have a Few

  • I had a one night stand at nine months and it was horrible. I cried for days afterwards. I waited until the 14-month mark to have sex again, with the guy I was dating.
  • I waited a year and a half before sleeping with someone after my husband. It was like losing my virginity all over again. Then, I engaged in some reckless behavior for a few months (made it out unscathed thank God)…. felt guilty, took a few months to get myself together, jumped back into it with a clearer head and made better choices.
  • I used sex, abusive sex for a couple of years post-loss because I thought I deserved to be treated that way because my husband took his own life.
  • I started dating three months post-loss and had a fair amount of sex trying to fill the void. Luckily I ended up with a guy who helped me see love and acceptance in all of the relationship, not just sex.
  • Un-character like, I had a lot of sex with several partners to seek and satisfy validation of many things, which I am not proud of.
  • I definitely had a heightened libido and I affectionately called this as my “hoe phase”. Ultimately I realized I needed more of a connection than just the physical.

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Doesn’t Everyone Have a “Special Friend”…Or Two…or Three

  • I’ve been surprised by my ability to have sex with no strings attached. As a woman, it’s frowned upon but… why? I’m always safe and take care of myself so why can’t I enjoy sex with someone I just met or sex that won’t mean anything tomorrow?
  • I come from a very conservative religious background where sex is ONLY between a husband and wife. Losing my husband so suddenly, I find I am a bit rebellious towards my upbringing/religion/values. I decided to make up my own mind about what I want. This has included becoming sexually active with someone other than my husband. Surprisingly, I don’t carry much guilt. Even more surprising, I have had the best sex of my life with someone who is NOT my husband. I bought into the whole “You have to love someone to connect with them” attitude towards sex but as it turns out, I have had mind-blowing sex with someone I don’t love.
  • My sex drive has always been high but after not having sex a year and a half post-loss, I made up for it. There was lots of meaningless sex with partners I would never have chosen previously.
  • I knew I was not ready to date or be in a relationship so I tried a more casual approach. I have never done this before. At first I was horrified at my behavior but came to realize if it’s mutually beneficial than I am good with casual. In my pre-widow life id never have considered this!
  • My inner hedonist is dancing gleefully around shaking her ta-tas. It has to be shining out of me, too. The Home Depot guy gave me the “veterans discount” on my new freezer (I’m not a veteran), and another man tripped into a door because he kept trying to look at me. I’ve got a booty call scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and let’s just say that I made a very, very good friend last night. It’s a huge confidence booster to know I still got the ol’ mojo and as long as we keep it safe, what’s the harm in it?

Remind Me…What’s Sex Again

  • I’m like a virgin again after 5+ years…well, kind of. I wish I could let my guard down and be more free-spirited.
  • I couldn’t care less if I ever have sex again. I’m fine with that. I do miss the physical touch sometimes but massage therapy takes care of that.
  • I have no interest. I no longer feel pretty or attractive and have no desire at all to have sex.
  • I used to have sex three times a day sometimes but since my spouse’s death, I can’t even think it. I am 15 months out and I feel so repulsed that I don’t think I could even get off if I tried with someone else. It’s weird. My husband wasn’t the only guy I have been with either. I just feel dead on every level. I wish I could be the exact opposite of what I feel, cause this is crap too. I am literally angry about it.

Regardless of the route you choose, hopefully, you’ll learn that you’re not alone and only you can determine what you want your sex life to look like post-loss – or if you even want to have one. Perhaps this widow summed it up best when she said, “There is no right or wrong way. It’s just a journey and we all have to find our way”.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.



Top Ten Things Irresistible Women Do To Capture His Heart – Dating Advice Guru Podcasts


http://www.datingadviceguru.com – In this latest installment of Carlos Cavallo’s podcast series, you’ll discover his Top Ten Things Irresistible Women Do To Capture His Heart…

 

The real trick in dating and relationships is crossing that great divide between how a woman carries herself and knowing which parts are attractive to men.

I’m sure this isn’t a big surprise to you – especially if you’re over the age of 25. (If you’re younger than this, you probably don’t need this podcast… shhhh… but feel free to listen in)

The next trick is finding a good example – finding the women who really GET IT when it comes to dating, attraction, and keeping a man interested.

Yeah, some might say that the days of the top 10 list are gone – but I don’t think so. You’re going to discover 10 secrets to opening his heart inside this podcast…

Get started by listening to my podcast – click play now!

Carlos Cavallo’s FREE Podcast series reveals the secrets of how to make a man fall in love with you AND the secret psychology of men. You’ll find out the secrets of what men want in a woman, and how to make him fall for you…

10 Ways to Love Your Life (First Installment) –


Happiness is always a choice. Jackson Bliss breaks down the first 10 ways to personal happiness

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1. Eat Well: eat lots of local organic veggies, nuts, fruits and whole grains. It’ll make your body feel amazing, help you operate at peak efficiency and also support local farmers, businesses and artisans. When in doubt, make homemade brownies.

2. Big Sleep: set aside eight to nine hours every day. Sleep in on the weekends. Turn your phone off and let go of everything. Remember your dreams.

3. Meditate in your own way: find silence inside your mind. Meditate. Do yoga. Take a long bath. Sit down in the shower. Dance by yourself. Close your eyes in the elevator. Go for a walk with an empty mind.

4. Move your ass: exercise every day. Go for a run. Ride your bike to a park and have a picnic with your boo. Show the world what your momma gave you at the nightclub. Go hiking in the hills. Make love in the afternoon.  Walk everywhere instead of driving. Remember, your body craves movement.

5. Act in Goodness: helping someone is a spiritual act. When you relieve suffering in the world, you activate your goodness and make the world a better place. Volunteer. Make an anonymous donation to a public school. Talk to a homeless mom and buy her lunch. Open the door for a stranger. Buy your sick neighbor some cough drops. Work with kids and show them you believe in them.

6. Practice Gratitude: acknowledge your blessings. Tell someone you appreciate her/him every week. Gratitude is part of the importance of sharing. Say thank you every day. Through your gratitude, you remind yourself of how blessed you are. Through your gratitude, you make the world better.

7. Love (generously, often and deeply):  crush hard on strangers. Fall in love with moments. Smile at people you’ll never see again. Fall deeply in love all over again. Even when you get your heart broken, celebrate your pain and vulnerability and openness and courage. Watch movies and cry. Spend the day holding her/his hand. Say I love you every day of your life. Cuddle like a motherfucker.

8. Laugh insanely: this world can be heartbreaking, so find time every day to celebrate the small moments in your fractional life. Humor helps you take life less seriously. Humor helps you take life more seriously. Laughter is the way we heal when we see the world in a new way.

9. Travel: make time for the great unknown. The world can be vibrant and strange and insanely beautiful. Read novels and travel often. Try ordering a cappuccino in Florence. Eat an authentic empanada in Buenos Aires or Santiago. Sit at a café in Paris, Seoul or Istanbul. Bike through the streets of Amsterdam. Climb the Bell and Drum Tower in Beijing. Hike the Incan Trail. Ride a rickshaw in Bangkok. Read a book in translation. Visit an elephant sanctuary in Kenya. Repeat.

10. Let go: for everything you aren’t in control of (and for everything you should relinquish control of), learn to let go. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Forgive others for the pain they’ve caused you. There’s virtue and strength in forgiveness. There’s freedom and beauty in fluidity.  There’s joy and lightness in a world without time.

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